EP 8 – ARE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER IN DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS?
Hey there friends, welcome back to the show! I am so happy to be here with you today! I’ve really been enjoying doing these podcasts and I absolutely love hearing from you guys when you tell me they are helpful! My mission is to hand you back your power.
So today I am here to give you some news. It’s not going to sound like good news but I promise you it is. Are you ready? Here it is… Your relationship with your partner exists only in your head.
I know I sound like a crazy person but stay with me. Have you ever spoken to two different people who were in the exact same experience but told you two different stories? Oh yeah, you know what I’m talking about.
There have been many studies that show that if you interview two people who were in the exact same car wreck, in the same car, both passengers in the back seat, they will tell you a completely different story. Why? Because they interpreted the accident through different lenses. No one is lying, they just tell you their story the way they see it.
This idea of two people being in the exact same situation, all variables constant, and coming out of it with completely different experiences… this is exactly what inspired me to become a therapist. I remember noticing this phenomenon as a pre-teen and just being fascinated.
If you’re listening to this show, you are most likely in a long-term relationship or marriage. Which means that you have definitely had the experience of walking away from a conversation with your partner only to realize later that they interpreted that conversation completely differently. And it baffles you, right?
How could they have possibly gotten that from what you said? By the way, if you experience this often and it leads to conflict with your partner, check out episode 2: The Secret To Ending Conflict With Your Partner.
Ok so back to the point of this episode. Your relationship with your partner exists in your thoughts. That’s right. The way you feel about your partner comes from the way you think about your partner. So if you’re feeling good about your relationship right now, it’s because you’re thinking thoughts like… “we are so good together” or “I just love this and that about him…” and if it’s feeling really hard right now, you’re thinking things like, “He just doesn’t understand me,” or “why does he keep doing that thing I asked him not to do 647 times?”
Your feelings come from your thoughts my friends. And so your relationship with your partner exists in your thoughts. However you are thinking about them right now is the energy of your relationship with them right now.
The craziest part is that their relationship with you is totally in their head! Most of the time, two people are in different relationships WITH EACH OTHER!
I’m going to say that again: Your relationship with your partner is in your head and your partner’s relationship with you is in their head!
So let’s take an example. I’m about to get real personal up in here. A few weeks after my son was born, my then husband and I were talking about sex. He wanted to start having it again soon and I wasn’t ready. I’m sure some of you are out there nodding your head because I’ve had MANY conversations with women on this topic.
During that conversation, I felt pressured. I felt like he was not being respectful about what my body had just gone through, and I felt unseen. But for him, and I know this because we later talked about it, he thought he did a great job of showing me that he still wanted me regardless of what my body had gone through and that he was attracted to me no matter what. He walked away from that conversation thinking that he made me feel wanted.
We were essentially in two different relationships at that point. He was feeling pretty good about it and I was not. It wasn’t until we later had a more open conversation that we realized it. And obviously the other part of this is that I was not open with him about how the conversation was making me feel. I learned more about myself from that marriage then from anything else.
So now that you understand the concept I am trying to teach you here, I will tell you why it’s good news! You see, if your relationship is in your thoughts, then it’s good news because you have control over your thoughts! I know some of you may feel like you have no control over your thoughts but I promise you, you do. It’s a learned skill that I teach in my 1:1 coaching program.
The first step to changing your thoughts is to get really good at observing the ones you have now. And then to question them. Byron Katie has four questions that she asks people to really help them challenge their own thoughts. My favorite one is “Who would you be without that thought?” I love this question! Because a thought can really stop you from being a freer, more evolved version of yourself.
Most of the time, you and your partner are in different relationships because you are having different thoughts. But here’s the thing, my friends: The closest you ever get to being in the same relationship is when you are having an open, honest conversation.
When you come into a shared space and tell each other what your thoughts are, you can dismantle each other’s false beliefs and presumptions, you can connect over pain or hardship one of you is feeling, you can support each other, get to know each other’s thoughts, and tell each other how you feel. This is what we call emotional intimacy. And it is the ultimate form of connection.
So what are you thoughts about your partner right now? Your experience within your relationship exists in that answer. And of course, it changes, right? Sometimes daily! But the more important question is, “Are your thoughts about your partner serving you and your relationship?” Do they feel good? Do they stimulate you to be curious and loving? Do they have you stuck?
And whether you’re right or wrong doesn’t matter here, my friends. What matters is that you’re having the experience you want to have.
I know you think that your partner has to do something differently in order for you to feel better, but I PROMISE you that’s not true.
If you are a lover of inner work, and the concepts I teach are intriguing to you, let’s have a clarity session! 90 minutes of private coaching to start taking your relationship from surviving to thriving! And no, you don’t need your partner to be involved in this process. I will show you how to feel better all on your own and take back the power you have handed over on a silver platter. Let’s do this!
So I just want to end by giving you an exercise. Take out paper and pen, and just free write. What do you think of your partner? Of your relationship? Of yourself? Take a look at this piece of paper and pull out the thoughts. Take an inventory of your brain. What’s going on in there? Because what goes on in there is one hundred percent creating your experience.
And I want you to have the best experience that you can possibly have. We all will have the human experience. But what if you had more control over it? What if you had more control over how you feel in your relationship without having control of your partner? That is what I call emotional freedom.
