Hey guys, welcome back to Partnership Aligned Podcast! I’m excited to be doing a solo episode today, it’s been a few weeks! If you missed last week’s episode, I had Melanie Shenberger on and we promoted our free masterclass that we held last week but you can still get the recording! It’s called Sex & Housework; How to Stop Avoiding Both.
It was a powerful class and the women who attended got really vulnerable at the end and said a lot of things that I think a lot of women resonate with. Some of the things they said were “I would rather watch Netflix than have sex.” “Sometimes sex is just for him and I don’t enjoy it.” And “I don’t avoid sex, I just avoid telling him what would actually work for me during sex.” These are just a few quotes, but you get the gist. So, if this sounds like a class for you, go to sexandhousework.com to watch the recording for free. It’s an hour of education followed by live coaching.
Ok so today I want to shift the focus a little bit more towards marriage while parenting. Cause let’s be honest, if parenting was not part of the partnership, it would be wayyyyy easier, right? More specifically, let’s talk about what happens when you fight in front of your kids.
Before you have kids, arguments only affect the two of you. But once the kids are here… no matter how young or old they are, your arguments tend to affect them as well. Especially if they witness the fighting. But I want to squash your guilt about fighting in front of your kids and give you some techniques to use those situations to serve your children in the long run.
Ok so I have a few points I want to make here. The first one is the frequency with which your kids hear you fight matters. I would suggest that you and your partner sit down and have a talk about how you’re going to redirect an argument to a more private space. And again, I’m going to show you how fighting in front of the kids isn’t always a bad thing. But I will say that if you are fighting in front of your kids often, this is a problem.
But in the heat of the moment, it is sooo hard to just stop and wait til later. Unless you have a plan! So, sit down with your partner (when you’re not fighting) and come up with an exit plan.
So, for example, maybe the plan is that you come up with a code word. And when things start to get heated, one of you says that codeword and that’s the cue to both of you to stick a pin in that argument until after the kids go to bed that night.
Now be careful because this can easily foster a situation where you’re sweeping things under the rug all the time. We don’t want that. So you do really need to talk about it later. This is why I always have my clients create a weekly day/time to have structured communication with their partner. That way if you did need to shut down a conversation because the kids are around, you know you have that scheduled time to talk about it, if you don’t get to it before that.
Ok so come up with an exit plan to minimize how often you’re arguing in front of the kids. You definitely don’t want it to be the norm. That being said, sometimes it just happens. And when it does, I want you to know that the aftermath is an opportunity for many beautiful things.
You see, when I was a therapist and now as a coach, one of the things I learned was that adults had just as many issues when they were raised by parents who NEVER fought as the ones who were raised by the parents who fought often.
Why, you might ask? Because never seeing conflict is not useful. Seeing conflict and then witnessing the conflict resolution – is so important. I have coached women- and one man actually- who said that they never saw their parents argue every. What ended up happening is that they grew up into people who didn’t know how to resolve conflict. One of them actually broke up with her fiancé every time they had an argument because in her mind, if you fight it’s over.
So witnessing healthy conflict resolution is very important for kids. So let’s talk about how to do that. After you and your partner have an argument, if your kids witnessed it, you need to talk to them. Don’t let them come up with their own stories in their head about what’s going on, that’s never a good thing.
Unfortunately, and I’ve never fully understood this, children tend to blame themselves when they feel confused. So if they can’t make sense as to why you’re fighting while dropping them off somewhere, they may decide in their head that you’re fighting about them.
So if you get nothing else from this episode, please just get this one sentence. Do not fight in front of your kids and then pretend like it didn’t happen. Avoidance does not actually equal your kids forgetting about it. My suggestion is that you take advantage of the situation and model making up in front of them too.
After an argument, show love and affection toward your partner in front of your children. Apologize to each other, share your feelings with each other, hug and kiss, do all of the make-up type things – well maybe not all of them – but you know what I mean! It’s ok that your kids see you fight but let them also see that people who love each other sometimes fight but then they talk it out and show love.
The other way I want you to take the aftermath of an argument and turn it into an opportunity is by asking your kids how it made them feel. Some kids are pretty vocal on their own but some kids really need a conversation to be initiated by a parent.
If your kids saw an ugly exchange, go to them (together if possible) and explain to them in an age appropriate way that the fighting does not mean you don’t love or respect each other. Ask your kids how it made them feel. Ask them what they were thinking. Ask your kids if it bothers them and why. Get really really curious.
This is such an important conversation to have. We think we know how our kids are internalizing something, but you’d be surprised. Use it as a bonding moment, as a moment to show them that their feelings matter in the situation as well. Don’t promise them it won’t happen again because you never know, but if there is something you can guarantee will change, change it.
I want to leave you with this beautiful, scary fact. Your kids’ future relationships depend on the relationship they witness growing up. Their relationship with you and with their other parent matters exponentially, don’t get me wrong. But how they are introduced to what romantic love looks like… what they think is normal… that is what they will seek.
So focus on progress, not perfection. No marriage is perfect and God knows none of us are parenting perfectly. Beating yourself helps no one. Shift into curiosity, make small changes, and continue to work on your marriage from the inside out.
If you’re struggling to stop fighting in front of your kids, this can be a serious issue depending on the situation. If you have that nudge inside of you that you really need some help getting it under control and feeling happier in your relationship, let’s talk. Scroll down to the show notes, schedule a free consultation with me, and let’s talk about how you can improve your marriage so that your kids get the childhood they deserve.
