Welcome to Partnership Aligned Podcast! Guess what, guys. This is episode 52. And you know what that means, I have been doing this podcast for a whole year! I remember the day I launched this podcast, buzzsprout which is the site that distributes your podcast to all the podcast app told me that 3000 people launched a podcast that day.
I was like wait what? 3000 in one day? How is anyone ever going to find mine? But my business coach, who had a podcast for years at that time, informed me that about 5% of podcasters make it past the first few episodes. So that made me feel much better… so the fact that I have not missed a single week in a whole year – well I am just really proud of myself. Also, I get a lot of positive feedback from all of you so that clearly seals the deal for me.
Ok so to celebrate a whole year of Partnership Aligned Podcast, I had to ask myself. What topic would be appropriate for this milestone. To figure that out, I asked myself, what is the main message that I want to put out there. I go over all kinds of relationship and self-growth topics here but at the end of the day, my passion for this stuff comes from the inner peace that I was able to find in the midst of a very difficult marriage. That experience is what led me to leave my career as a therapist and start this coaching business.
So that’s what we’re going to talk about today – finding peace in a difficult relationship. Now difficult is a subjective word so if you feel like you’re in a difficult relationship, you are. Because you’re having a difficult experience and really that’s all that matters. For me, I was married to an addict who relapsed shortly after I gave birth to our baby and then had an affair.
So yes, mine is a bit on the scandalous side to say the least. But I’m so grateful for that experience because it led me on this amazing self-growth journey. But my journey didn’t start after I left him. My journey started more than a year before the end of the marriage. And I found total inner peace amongst absolute chaos.
How, you ask? By letting go. By letting go of the outcome. By letting go of my need for him to be different. Now you may be asking yourself, what the hell is wrong with me wanting my partner to be different? Well, I’ll tell you very bluntly. It’s a waste of time and energy. If you could change your partner, you would have done that by now and you wouldn’t be listening to this podcast. So it’s time to accept reality here.
You see, when we fight with reality we suffer. When we embrace reality, we thrive. And I know you don’t want to embrace who your partner is if you consider yourself to be in a difficult relationship. But I would encourage you to anyway. It’s the path to emotional freedom.
When you don’t need your partner to be any different, now you get to shift your focus from them to you. And at the end of the day, the reason you even want your partner to change is so that YOU can feel better. So I’m telling you that you can feel better without your partner changing. That’s a nice shortcut, right?
I mean think about it, have you ever really had success changing your partner? You’re gonna give me one of two answers. Either the answer is no, I haven’t. Or you may be able to think of a time where you had enough of a meltdown or ultimatum or whatever that your partner did make changes – maybe more than once – but it didn’t last. Why? Because it didn’t come from them. It came from them wanting to shut you up or calm you down. Which is not an internal motivator.
And if your partner has actually made lasting changes, that’s great! But that didn’t come from you. They changed because they decided to do the work that led to the change. So are you seeing how powerless you are over them? But I’ll tell you what you’re not powerless over – and that is YOU.
So, here’s my suggestion. I have experience with this both personally and professionally so listen up. Become the healthiest version of yourself. Focus on your relationship with you. Ever heard of the serenity prayer? It says, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I’m gonna tell you a secret – the things you cannot change, that’s other people. The things you can, that’s you. Time to start using your wisdom to know the difference.
And I want to talk about what acceptance really means because people get caught up here. Acceptance does not mean that you approve of what your partner is doing. It doesn’t mean you’re condoning it, encouraging it, or saying it’s ok. It just means that you’re going to stop expending your precious energy on trying to change them. It means making friends with reality.
So who would you be if you just stopped trying to control your partner? What would be different about your day? What about your energy level? How would your routine look different? What about the thoughts in your head. Imagine who you would be if you didn’t try and control your partner and then go be that person.
For me, when I was in the thick of it – and by the way if you’re interested in my story I have a whole episode about it. It’s episode 25 titled How my Failed Marriage Turned Me Into A Badass Coach – I’ll link it in the show notes. But when I was in the thick of it, my coach had this talk with me and I decided to let go. I decided to let go of trying to control my husband. I stopped trying to keep him sober, cause he was relapsing on and off for about a year. I stopped fighting with him about all the video games he was playing. I stopped preaching AA to him or asking him to get up when he slept forever or any of that stuff. I just stopped.
Instead, I embraced emotional detachment. Emotional detachment means giving your partner the dignity of having their own journey. Allowing them to enjoy the benefits of making good decisions and experiencing the consequences of making bad ones. It is their journey.
Now what about your journey? If you stopped spending so much time trying to dictate theirs, what would you have time for? Would you be a more present mother? Would you start exercising? Would you find meaningful friendships or hobbies? What would you talk about if you weren’t talking about him and his last mood swing?
Now, a special word for my sisters who have a relationship with God. Let go and let God, my friend. What if God has a plan for your partner that is better than anything you could ever imagine but you just keep getting in the way? Or what if God has a plan for YOU that is better than anything you could imagine, but you just can’t retract your claws long enough to see it?
That was my experience. God put me in that marriage so that I would lean on Him more. So that I would start growing my relationship with me. So that I would overcome hard times and then help others do the same. But I suffered for years before I saw that because I was trying to control everything.
And my intentions were pure – I just wanted a sober husband and an intact family for my son. Great motives, right? But there was something even better waiting for me once I stopped trying to play God. What if the plan isn’t all about you?
Regardless of whether the God stuff speaks to you or not, you have to admit that what you’re doing aint working. So it would be foolish of you not to try something different. And if you are ready to try something different, I’m here to help.
My coaching program shows you how to prioritize your relationship with you, which then in turn makes you a more loving and compassionate wife and mother because you’re not so attached to the idea of how things SHOULD be. And ironically, when someone I’m working with does start to let go, their partner starts to respond differently.
Imagine a world where what your partner says or does doesn’t dictate your day! Imagine if you could communicate calmly to them and then allow them to have their own experience within the conversation. Imagine if you had inner peace.
So if you’re done beating your head upside the wall, putting your entire emotional state in someone else’s hands, then let’s talk. Scroll down to the show notes and book a free call with me. Let’s see if we’re a good fit. Ok everyone – thank you so much to everyone who has been listening this year and I’ll talk to you next week when I start my second year of this podcast! Have an amazing week.
