Hey everyone, welcome back to Partnership Aligned Podcast. So about a month ago, I released a reel on Instagram about the silent treatment. It went viral in India of all places and got a lot of engagement.
The reel was about not giving your partner the silent treatment. By the way, if this is something you struggle with, I have a whole episode on the topic. Episode 4, The Silent Treatment or The Silent Love Killer.
But a lot of the engagement were people asking, hey what about when my partner gives me the silent treatment? What about when they don’t want to talk or hear me out? What about when my partner is just being an ass?
So, I wanted to address topic. What do you do when your partner’s being an ass? Let’s talk about it. But first I want you to ask yourself a few questions.
The first question is, what are my expectations here? Expectations are premeditated resentments. And there are a few specific ones that I see getting people into trouble all the time.
The first is the expectations that your partner should know what’s bothering you. And I get that. Our ego tells us that if our lover was in tune to what was going on inside of us, that would somehow make us more valuable or mean that they love us. But your partner can’t read your mind. Just like you can’t read theirs. It is your responsibility to communicate to your spouse when and why you are upset.
The other expectation I see getting y’all in trouble is this expectation that your partner is going to be different today than they were yesterday. I always find it so interesting when clients continue to be shocked every day over and over again at their partner’s pretty consistent behavior. I talked about this a few episodes ago when I told my story. I woke up every day pissed that my husband was the same as yesterday. My emotional freedom came the day I stopped expecting him to have some kind of 180 overnight and just started focusing on me.
If you know expectations are something you need to work on, check out episode 6 called “are your expectations causing you pain?”
Once you’ve got your expectations in check, now the second question I want you to ask yourself is, “have I had an honest, respectful, direct conversation with my partner?” Now a lot of you can be either honest or respectful. Those of you who have no problem being honest are often saying things with angry, attacking tones and body language. Then you are upset that your partner “doesn’t want to talk.” But be really honest with yourself, are you a safe emotional space for your partner? Are you approachable?
Then there are those of you who can be respectful but not honest. Yes, I’m talking to you my dear people pleasers. Trying to keep the peace and not talking about what’s actually going on inside of you. Then resentment builds and it can sometimes sound like “my partner doesn’t care about my feelings,” when the truth is that they have no idea that there’s even anything going on with you. Don’t worry people pleasers, I’ve got an episode for you too. It’s episode 10 – the price of people pleasing your partner.
Ok now, if you’ve checked off the above boxes, meaning that you have reasonable expectations AND you’re a safe person to talk to, then let’s just assume that your partner really is just being an asshole. Now what do you do?
Well, the way I see it you have two choices. You can live in a reactive state of mind or a proactive state of mind. A reactive state of mind means that you react to whatever the last thing they did to piss you off. So, if they said something hurtful, that is the center of your world now. If they are upset with you, you are upset that they’re upset.
Some of you are waiting for me to tell you how to change your partner. Sorry, wrong podcast. I like to keep it real. And the real is that your partner is the way they are because they are choosing to be that way. Even if their feelings and actions come from something as deep as a childhood trauma, they are choosing to not get help for that. I won’t go into the psychology of it but the gist is that the way they are now feels safer to them then doing the work of changing.
You cannot change your partner. Let me say that again. You have zero power over your partner. None. Nada. Zilch. Getting that into your head is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. It gets you off the rollercoaster and gives you back your agency.
My suggestion is that you decide to live in a proactive state of mind. What does that look like? Well, anytime your partner is being an ass, ask yourself one question, “who do I want to be here?”
This is the most powerful, freeing question I’ve ever asked myself or my clients. Who do you want to be here? Do you want to continue to react and mirror your partner’s moods? Or do you want to start using your marriage for growth?
So, to answer the question of what do you do when your partner’s being an ass, my answer is use it as an opportunity to like yourself more. Do you know how good it feels to remain completely aligned with your own values in the midst of conflict and chaos? I do. It’s amazing.
And here’s the kicker. To all of you who still want to make a case for changing your spouse… I completely stand by my statement that you can’t. But there is a possibility for influencing them. But not through manipulation tactics. Through being an example. When you become a better version of yourself, nine times out of ten it’s contagious. And if you happen to have that partner who doesn’t want to evolve as you do, then that gives you some very important information and even more opportunities for growth.
I want to talk to my spiritual sisters for a minute. Marriage is a spiritual playground. It is not to make you comfortable; it is to make you grow.
What if you made it your goal to become the baddest, healthiest, most spiritual version of you regardless of what your partner does.
What if every time they acted like an ass, you thought “yes I have an opportunity to act in alignment with the person I want to be.” What if God has put you in this marriage to help you exercise that muscle?
What if you made it your spiritual challenge to be your best? What if your biggest growth and lessons come from this journey? What if everything is exactly the way it should be. What if it’s not happening to you but for you. How might that be true? Remember, it’s not the pain that helps you grow, its your response to it.
Now, if you’re someone who is feeling what I’m saying… you want to believe all this but you just don’t know how…. That’s where I come in. I am literally trained in helping people believe what they want to believe and find peace within. Interested in learning more? Scroll down to the show notes and schedule a free consult. Let’s make these concepts work for you in your specific situation.
I want to end by making two last points. The first is that you might be totally right. Your partner might really be an ass. But I’m not interested in proving you right. I’m interested in helping you find inner peace. Are you willing to be at peace by sacrificing the temporary gratification of proving that you’re right? Think about that.
And the last thing I want to say is the most important thing I’m going to say. How you handle your relationship with your partner will affect the future of your children. In all my years as a therapist, I think the thing I’ve counseled on most was how someone’s love life is a result of how love was modeled for them growing up.
If your partner is not doing a good job of modeling healthy love, you have some options. Don’t’ ever tell yourself you don’t. You could always leave. But you may not want to and that’s ok. So, if your goal is to stay and find peace, then your options are as follows: Either you get on the rollercoaster with your partner, modeling that even more firmly for your kids. Or you show them what it looks like when a healthy person decides to step off the ride and find solid ground.
