Hey guys, welcome back to the show! So often I get questions about how to talk to a partner when stakes are high, and emotions are running deep. When I work with a client one-on-one, I am able to study the communication pattern and give more personalized guidance. But there are some rules that I think everyone needs to follow, regardless of the situation. So, let’s get into them!
- Rule number is do not have a difficult conversation when either of you are tired or hungry. Have you ever noticed how you will make bad decisions when you’re really hungry or tired? You get a total case of the F its. I see this often within myself with tangible things such as eating healthy when I’m rested and making bad food decisions when I’m tired.
But I also see it with bigger things. When I am tired or hungry, I have less compassion. I don’t really care about someone else’s feelings because my physiological needs are not met. I’m not operating on a full tank and it shows in all of my relationships.
If you’re a parent, you know this feeling. Your kid wants to play and you’re so tired you just can’t do it. Or you’re so hungry that you end up yelling.
So just set yourself up for success and don’t have emotionally charged conversations when you’re running on empty. It won’t go well.
2. Drop the need to be right! Yes, I know this is a big one. It was huge for me for so long. I’ve mentioned this on another episode… the first time someone asked me would I rather be happy or be right, I was floored. I remember thinking, “but it makes me happy to be right.” That makes me chuckle every time I say that.
I want you to think about it this way. What is your goal in having this difficult conversation? Is it to connect and find solution? Or is it to convince your partner that you’re right and he’s wrong? Get really honest with yourself about this.
If this is resonating with you, then you are one of those people who prefers to be right over finding common ground. No judgment here, that was me too. And there’s nothing wrong with you, we all have a primal need to be right, it’s part of being human. But if we don’t manage this part of ourselves, it costs us our peace and our relationships.
Imagine going into a difficult conversation with someone who just wants you to concede. Their whole goal for the talk is just for you to say they are right. Would you want to engage in that conversation? I didn’t think so.
So if this is you, I want you to hear me when I say this. There is no such thing as right or wrong. You and your partner see things differently because you make facts mean different things. You see the world through different lenses. As soon as you grasp that concept, your whole relationship will shift. I promise you, I see it all the time and it’s amazing! So my suggestion to you is to start the conversation by being willing to be wrong.
3. The third rule for a difficult conversation is to only express the problem once and then to move into solution mode. It is tempting to regurgitate your pain over and over but for what? Again, if your goal is solution and connection, there needs to be a cap. Everyone gets to say their piece and then it’s onto solution mode.
If you follow my work, you know that I am constantly talking about making one big mindset shift. That is to go from thinking “It’s me against my partner” to “it’s me and my partner against the problem.” When you truly make that shift, you don’t feel the need to talk incessantly about the problem.
I have a whole process for how to talk about the problem that I don’t have the time to go into here but once that part is over, the two of you have one job: to brainstorm solution. This is where you have the opportunity to create connection and make life better than it was before you even had the problem!
4. The fourth rule is to take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. You know this rule is for you if you find yourself starting a sentence with “you made me feel…” No one can make you feel anything.
When your partner says something, you make their words mean something hurtful, and then you have a difficult emotion. How do we know this is true? Because we could put two women in the same fight with the same partner but they would interpret that partner’s words differently because of the way they are thinking about them.
So you are, of course, entitled to your feelings but just own them. Know that it is your interpretation of the event that is making you feel like you’re feeling. Ownership equals freedom. When you stop blaming your partner for how you feel, you are left with the realization that you are in full control of your own emotions… which is nothing short of freedom, my friends. Because you can only control you!
5. Tell the truth. This doesn’t just refer to straight lying. Obviously don’t lie. But also, don’t exaggerate or omit information or manipulate the situation to look different than it is. Be honest. If you’re not telling the truth, I’m not sure that any of the other rules even matter.
Ok people, that’s what I have for you today! If you are struggling in one of these areas, don’t beat yourself up! The reason relationships are so hard is because you are wired to protect yourself. And your brain often mistakes emotional situations for physical danger.
If you want some help in this area, communication is my jam! Email me at Elana@nullpartnershipaligned.com, message me on IG @partnershipaligned, or just book a 90-minute clarity session to make huge moves in the right direction! You can find more information at partnershipaligned.com/clarity.
If there is only one thing you take from this episode today, I hope you take some food for thought regarding what your goal is for having a difficult conversation. Be really honest with yourself.
If your goal is to get your partner to see your side and that’s it, that’s ok! Just be honest with yourself that you need to do some more work before having that talk. Getting clear about your motive will save you a lot of time and heartache. Get yourself to a place of curiosity and desire for solution. That, my friends, is the magic space where hard conversations lead to closer bonds.
